WRINKLY SECTION

WRINKLY WRUNS/WALKS

 

MIKE’S WRINKLY WRAMBLINGS

WRINKLY QUALIFICATIONS

A few weeks ago, I got up and started to get dressed. I took a pair of socks out of the drawer and then realized that it was Wednesday and I hadn’t put the rubbish bins out for emptying. So I slipped my slippers on and went and put them out.

 

When I came back in, my socks had gone so I asked Beryl if she had been into the bedroom and moved them, but she said that she hadn’t and, as I made a fuss, she told me to get another pair out.  I said that wasn’t the point but eventually I got another pair out of the drawer, kicked my slippers off, and found my socks---- I had already put them on. This should qualify me for the Wrinklys.

 

Written by: Mike Walsh

Submitted: 29th April 2010

Edited by: Brenda J Earnshaw WRR Editor

 

I should have joined Wesham sooner

As you know I have been out of action through injury for just over a year, and decided to see how far I could run around the sports field in Thornton.

I didn’t manage one 800 yard lap before I had to give up.  I gradually started to improve a little but, after having to walk two or three times, taking part in the Rudolph race, and struggling round the St Annes 10, I decided to enter the Calder Vale 10, with the intention of testing my stamina, or lack of it, with a view to entering the Freckleton Half Marathon.

 

Although I struggled round the Calder Vale 10 I was encouraged by Anne Docherty, who "ran" with me all the way stopping to walk. When I was half a mile from the finish, Anne left me to finish on my own. I received wonderful encouragement from quite a lot of Wesham runners, and their wives, who were making their way back to the car parks, and it made me feel proud to be a member of what George Kennedy christened "The Friendly Club”.  My one regret is that I didn’t join the club sooner.

 

Written by: Mike Walsh

Submitted: 28th April 2010

Edited by: Brenda J Earnshaw WRR Editor

 

FRECKLETON HALF MARATHON – SPARE NUMBERS????

I can’t understand all the commotion regarding places in the Freckleton Half Marathon as there is plenty of warning off it getting full quickly every year?

 

You should be like me, as I have already entered for the 2011 race, but have the assurance of John Whiteman that if I don’t make it till then, Beryl will get my entry fee back!

 

Written by: Mike Walsh

Submitted: 25th May 2010

Edited by: Brenda J Earnshaw WRR Editor

 

Weight dilemma

When I got injured in November 2008, my weight was 11stone 2lbs, but when I started training again in September 2009 my weight was 12 stone 4 lbs. In July 2009, my youngest son asked me to accompany him to a trade seminar in Huddersfield and I would have to wear a suit but, when I tried on my suit, I found that it had shrunk, so I had to dash to Freeport and get a larger suit, off the peg from Marks and Spencer’s. Not that I am running again, I have got my weight down to 11 stone 9lbs.

 

I am now in Canada for my grand-daughter's wedding, and despite all my efforts, I still can’t get into my favourite suit!  I am now going to have to over-eat for a week so that I can fit into my newer suit. But having seen all the prenuptial meals that have been arranged for the forthcoming week, I should have no problem in that direction.

 

Written by: Mike Walsh

Submitted: 29th May 2010

Edited by: Brenda J Earnshaw WRR Editor

 

BOSS’S FUNNIES

  1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired.
  2. A will is a dead giveaway.
  3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a rotting peach.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner.
  10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  15. A calendar's days are numbered.
  16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
  19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  20. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

 
  1. If you jump off a Paris bridge you're in Seine.
  2. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
  3. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  4. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  5. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  6. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
  7. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  8. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  9. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  10. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  11. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  12. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  13. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  15. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
  16. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  17. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
  18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  20. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Sent in by John (Boss Wrinkly) Whiteman

24th June 2010

WRINKLY HOLIDAY TO RIVA DEL GARDA

Wednesday, 19th May to Wednesday 26th May 2010

TRAVELLERS

John and Pam

Peter and Brenda

Derek and Celia

Norman and Anne

Graeme and Maureen

Tony and Elizabeth

Doug and Dorothy

Ken and Kath

Pete and Pat

Arthur and Jackie

 

Lake Garda was on our list of places to visit. Did it live up to our expectations?????

 

First it was on, and then it was off! Then it was back on again! First it was the volcanic ash cloud and then it was the British Airways Cabin Crew Strike. We were beginning to wonder if we would ever get to Lake Garda! However, everything came right in the end and we all set off for Manchester Airport early on Wednesday morning 19th June. The connections right the way through to Verona were good. The only draw back was the “excuse for a meal” we got as breakfast on both flights! I must add the take off’s and landings were magnificent but then we had a lady pilot!!!!

 

Peter and I had missed these Wrinkly trips abroad and it was 18 months ago since our last one – yes, 18 months! I could hardly believe it myself. John is now squarely back in charge and is even thinking of one for next year.

We arrived a little head of time at Verona Airport, having previously picked up our Tour Manager, Jan Lumley, who represented Travelsphere, (the company John had booked with), at Gatwick Airport. We then took a coach to our hotel in Riva Del Garda. We travelled for just over an hour but first had to drop off other travellers at a hotel, in the bottom, nearer to the Lake. Then our coach started uphill – and up and up and up!!!! Oh dear, I was getting somewhat worried and, I suspect so were others on the coach too. Finally we arrived at the Hotel Benecus and, I must admit, it was a very picturesque hotel, overlooking the lake and town and surrounded by mountains. Perhaps it wasn’t going to be so bad after all but I was still worried about going up and down that hill!!! We were soon allocated our rooms and all dispersed to get unpacked and organised ready to start the holiday in earnest. To be quite honest, I wasn’t very happy with our room as the standing up space was small because it was up in the roof. Poor Peter kept banging his head every time he tried to get in and out of bed and also going into the TV area, both of which were under the sloping ceiling. To see outside I had to get on a chair to look out of the window which, unfortunately looked out on the road and hillside, not the Lake. Oh well, “non importa quello che sarà sarà” - it was only a bedroom after all and we would be out and about most of the time. Others of our party had rooms with balconies and lake views – was I jealous – just a bit! One lady, not with our party, who was travelling alone, showed me her room which was just along the corridor from us. She had a suite!!! Two bedrooms, lounge, kitchen, and massive bathroom with a Jacuzzi!! How the other half live – I tell you! Our room, I must add though, was kept immaculately clean throughout the whole week.

 

As with most Wrinkly Holidays, everyone does their own thing. Some explored the areas around Riva Del Garda and others, like Peter and myself, went on some of the organised trips with Travelsphere. The first trip was to take place the very next day after our arrival which put a lot of people off. However, it was a chance to see the whole of Lake Garda and, for us, was not to be missed. Lake Garda, alternatively known as Benaco, is 51.6km long and 17.2km at its widest. The northern half is much narrower and set in the high mountains with the wider southern end set into a flatter plane.

 

Our coach driver was a gentleman called Allessio, (sorry if I have spelt that incorrectly). What that man didn’t know about driving a coach is not worth knowing. He was brilliant! The Tour Guide was, of course, Jan. We travelled down the east coast of the lake visiting some really attractive villages/towns along the way. The first stop was at Bardolino which had a huge market set out all around the shores of the lake.

 

We then went to the southern end of the lake to Sirmione, which was at the end of a ‘finger’ sticking out into the lake. Again, like all the other places we had visited, this was a really beautiful and picturesque town with its own castle. We had two hours to spend here so we found a small restaurant to have lunch. Of course, after lunch the first thing to find was the local ice cream – this is a definite “must” in Italy. From Sirmione we then took the ferry across the Lake to Gardone Riviera where we would then again meet up with the coach. The first ferry came into view and we got quite excited about it but, this was not to be our boat. Instead we had to catch the next one which was a car ferry and quite drafty. We just put it down to experience though as the views of the mountain rising from the lake as we travelled further north, were just as spectacular from this one. We then boarded the coach and travelled up the west coast of the lake and back to Riva.

 

Our second excursion, the following day, took us up north into the Dolomites. Wow and double wow, this was fantastic!  We travelled through the Val Gardena, over the Sella Pass and then to the top of the Passa Pordoi, having to navigate, or rather Allessio had 27 hair pin bends that would turn your blood cold. Peter and I chose to go up the Pordoi cable car to the top at 2950m to get a wider view and we were not disappointed. From sunshine to thick snow – what a change. It was glorious and we could see for miles over the Dolomite Mountains, spotting where the skiers would come down in the skiing season and looking out over the mountains as far as the eye could see. Peter decided to make snowballs but I had my eye on him! He would be in serious trouble if one hit me!! On our return journey down the coach had to navigate the 27 hair pin bends and those were just the scary ones.  Still, we were in very capable hands.

 

For the next few days we explored the surrounding area of Riva, visiting the museum, and generally wandering around with nowhere special in mind. We did visit a most beautiful church in Riva. We could not go in as shorts and strappy tops were not allowed but Peter managed to take this photo from the doorway. If you check this report when it goes on the WRR Website everything will be larger and in colour so you will be able to get the full effect of the photographs. A local folk festival was also taking place during this weekend and group of, what I can only imagine were singers and dancers, wandered round the square in national costume. I cannot stress enough the beauty of the place. Families picnicking at the lake side, cyclists travelling round the many cycle paths laid out for them; cycling was definitely the “in thing” here and everything possible was provided to make it safe and available. There were cycles to rent and many of our group did. The cycle paths ran alongside the main roads and there was something for everyone. You could do a flat run or a hilly run. John and Pam and many others from our group made good use of cycles and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Excepting Norman who managed to fall off because the brake levers were the opposite way round to those at home and also got two punctures and had to walk back!!!!

 

The third trip Peter and I took was to Verona. This took place on the day before our return home. On this trip we were joined by Pete and Pat Waterman and Derek and Celia. Again, we were not disappointed. At this destination we were given a basic coach tour and then were given a map and left to wander round and explore the city. The first place we headed for was the roman arena. It was huge! They were in the process of setting it up for a forthcoming series of summer concerts. The mind boggles as to how those great marble stones were placed to build the arena and to imagine what went on in Roman times with all the gladiators, lions etc!!  Our next stop was at the bell tower. I managed to get half way up on the lift but the others climbed the steps to the main belfry. I wondered why they were such a long time and then I heard the loud clang of the bell striking one o’clock and realised that is what they had been waiting for. Good job it wasn’t the mid-day bell or they would have been rendered deaf!!! The views from this tower again were magnificent taking in all the towers, and red roofs of Verona. We had now, of course, to visit the “so called” balcony of Juliet and, at first it took the lads a while to work this one out. (Another Wrinkly ‘lost’ moment!) Soon though we were on track and found it in a courtyard at the side of the houses. The walls of the archway through to the balcony were covered in love notes from those who wished to express their feeling for all eternity. Little did they know that the wind took them off the walls and a street cleaner was sweeping them all up!!! Next the necessary ice cream stop then back to the coach.

 

Soon this glorious week was coming to an end. The other two highlights didn’t come from Lake Garda but from back home. First the success of the Seasiders getting into the Premiership, (local television wasn’t showing it.). We were all on the balcony of the hotel waiting for texts of the goals to come through. The second news was of Steve Littler winning the Edinburgh Marathon. Wow – what a fantastic double!

 

Evenings were spent either on the balcony or in a small courtyard of the hotel. On the last evening the presentations for Sun God/Goddess and the Whiteman Cup were made. John had chosen his friends Jackie and Arthur to choose the Sun God and my did Arthur take this job seriously. He wanted to see how we had browned against our white bits!!!! (I won’t tell you how he went about this!!!)  His final choice was unanimously agreed on and that was Pam.  The next award was the Whiteman Cup.  Pam and John made this choice and, over the years the qualifications for this have changed somewhat. It used to be the person or couple who could stay up as late as Pam. I think as we are all getting that little bit older and our Pam is just a youngster, no one stands a chance now  - hence the change in rules. This time they awarded it to Norman for the person who ‘had succumbed to the most mishaps on the holiday’. He fell off his bike, had two flat tyres, and had to walk back to the hotel, and then he refused to go up the cable car after paying for a ticket!!!!

 

The last presentation was made by myself but it was on behalf of Reg and Pam Chapman. Pam and Reg had been booked to go on this holiday but sadly had to cancel because of Reg’s operation. (They were greatly missed by us all.) Reg had given their friends, Maureen and Graeme, a book on Wrinkly Jokes that he had found and thought it would suit John. Maureen asked me to get the other Wrinkly Holidaymakers involved by asking them to enter an inscription in the covers and then to present it to John on the last evening. This I was more than pleased to do.

 

Another successful Wrinkly Holiday was coming to a close. The next bit of news was that our return airport, Verona, was on strike!!! We had now to travel to Venice to catch our return flight! As it happened, this actually helped rather than hindered us. If we had taken the Verona flight we would have had a 4 hour wait at Gatwick. As it was, the time was taken up travelling through the attractive countryside to Venice. At the Venice Marco Polo Airport there was a bit of a wait as the check-in system was not working properly. A funny incident that I remember was a couple who actually used one of the unattended check-in desk scales to weigh their luggage and, finding it well over the weight restriction, starting unpacking and re-packing. The chap actually put on two jackets to save his case weight! They also keep queue jumping to get to the front but, when they had to go through the security check-in were held back for a full search – just goes to show doesn’t it. (By the way John, it wasn’t Peter and I – we are quite polite and orderly and, if we do arrive at the front, we got there as a matter of course!!!) We all had seat numbers so what was the rush?

 

Back in the miserably damp UK our taxi was waiting to take us home. We were soon walking through the door, exhausted but very happy with the whole week we had spent with our very special friends – the Wesham Wrinklys.

 

Just as an added footnote: The group, on the last evening, asked me to make a collection for our Pam which I was more than pleased to do. You see, as I have said many times before, behind every great man there is an even greater woman and that certainly is our Pam. Not only does she help out with the holiday organisation (keeping John on his toes), she collects for any birthdays, weddings or hospital patient, in fact anything at all to help cheer people up. My collection was still taking place right to arriving in Manchester but everyone was more than happy to take part. The idea was to buy a bouquet of flowers but I decided on a planter full of flowers to put in their rear garden. It would last a lot longer than cut flowers and give more pleasure. I even had enough left over to buy Pam her bottle of white wine. Peter and I delivered these a week after our return as I had to shop around for them first. Arriving at John and Pam’s, ‘old grumpy pants’ said, “What have you done now - I don’t want this?” I think he was grumpy because it was for Pam and not him! Seriously though, we love getting these treats for Pam as she does help John such a lot and is always in the background. I know John was really pleased with the thought though.  I also know for a fact that he never, but never expects anything for all they do. However, it does give us a lot of pleasure John so you will just have to put up with it.

 

Another delightful end to a lovely holiday. Again, John and Pam, our sincere thanks and we are all now looking forward to the next one. Don’t leave it too long this time though or we may get “withdrawal symptoms” and Peter will just go and book yet another cruise!!!!

 

The answer to the question at the beginning of this report is a definite “Yes”.

 

Written by: Brenda J Earnshaw, WRR Editor

Submitted: 7th June 2010

Edited by: Peter Earnshaw and then Re-Edited by Brenda just to make sure!!!!

 

PUZZLE THIS ONE?

Teaching Maths in UK

1.  Teaching Maths in 1970.  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. ?  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit???

2.  Teaching Maths in 1980.  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit???

3.  Teaching Maths in 1990.  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100? His cost of production is £80? How much was his profit???

4.  Teaching Maths in 2000.  A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20??

 5.  Teaching Maths in 2005. A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20. ??

 6.  Teaching Maths in 2009. A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety regulations as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.  He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a Recidivist and habitual criminal.  His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.  They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.  The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence.  He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.  Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life???

 

 7.  Teaching Maths in 2010. A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their Senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses?  The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.?  Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road.  They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.  If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense.  Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.  The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows loads more money to pay more to the bankers, as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

 

8.  Teaching Maths 2017.  ?أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من?الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

 

Sent in by: Mike Walsh -  9th February 2010