WRINKLY SECTION

“TEAM WRINKLY”

Thursday Runs/Walks

April, May, June 2008

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

Thursday 3rd                    

  Boddington Arms, A59, Salmesbury. (Opp Bae.) 

Thursday 1st

  (No Run) Lytham Inter Club 7:30pm

Thursday 5th

Whitewell, Nr. Clitheroe (opp. The Whitewell Inn)

 

10th

Yarrow Valley Country Park, Chorley.

8th

Abbeystead, by the River

12th

Shovels Inn, Hambleton.

17th

Calderbank Country Lodge, Oakenclough, Garstang

15th

Hesketh Arms, Shevington Moor, Standish (Lt. Junc. 27 M6)

19th

Mawdsley Inn, Hall Lane, Mawdsley.  L40 2QZ

24th

Parbold Railway Station Car Park (Turn Rt. Junc. 27 M6) 

22nd

Arranged by ANO

26th

Hurst Green, The Brown Residence.

 

 

 

29th

Downham off A59 after Clitheroe (Opp Assheton Arms)

 

 

All Runs/Walks start & finish at venue at 10:00am prompt.

Further details etc. from John (Bossman) Whiteman

john.whiteman@hotmail.co.uk

PUBLIC HOLIDAY ARRANGEMENTS

Carr Hill School will be closed on the following Public Holidays

May Day Monday 5th May           Hand & Dagger Pub, Salwick

Spring Bank Monday 26th May   Clifton Windmill, Clifton

 

 

How do you know when your old? You double your age and realise your not going to live that long.

·         You know you’re old when you start going to church.

·         The old man was asked to what he attributed his long life? His answer, I haven’t died yet!

·         The 110-year-old man was asked what you expect the future to be like. Answer, very short!

·         When you’re old it is better to have sex in a threesome, in case one dies!

·         You learn from experience that man never learns from experience.

·         Euthanasia is a way of putting old people out of their families’ misery!

·         Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!

·         If you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you know that you must be dead.

·         Taking Viagra with prune juice is good for you, there’s only one problem you don’t know if you’re coming or going!

 

Submitted by: John (Boss) Wrinkly

 

E-Mails!!

Dear All,

 

My thanks to all those who have sent me important and timely emails over the past year........

In particular I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact I no longer have any money at all. But, that will all change once I receive the £25,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program plus my share from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £17 million with him for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died in the states.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to warnings received in the nick of time I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water Buffalo on a hot day.  

Thanks to you all I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car to prevent a serial killer from crawling into the back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to large shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with premium rate calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African Spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

Oh! And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £20.00 I found dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

In return I feel I should warn you that, if you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 12 mangy camels will infest your backside, causing you to grow a hairy lump.  I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their emails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late now.

Kind Regards

John (Boss) Whiteman

 

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my flower tubs.  As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the porch table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.  But then I think I can run down to the post-box when I take out the rubbish I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye; they need water. I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.  

At the end of the day:

§                      The tubs aren't watered

§                      The car isn't washed

§                      The bills aren't paid

§                      There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge

§                      The flowers don't have enough water

§                      There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book

§                      I can't find the remote

§                      I can't find my glasses

§                      I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys

§                      Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
 Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, it will be soon - your day is coming!!!

 

Submitted by: John (Boss) Whiteman. (Though he doesn’t remember doing it!)

 

 

4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO


There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST                                     Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND                         Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a mobile phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your phone.
Hold your mobile phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the boot).


Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!

THIRD                             Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

FOURTH                     How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone! e: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends

 

Submitted by: John (Boss) Whiteman

 

 

Old Age, I decided, is A GIFT

 

  1. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.  Oh, not my body!  I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.   Often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
  2. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less grey hair or a flatter belly.  
  3. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
  4. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.  
    I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with ageing. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
  5. I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the   same time, wish to weep over a lost love  ... I will.
  6. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
    They, too, will get old.
  7. I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
  8. Sure, over the years my heart has been   broken.   How can your heart not break when you lose a loved  one, or when a child suffers, or even when some body's beloved pet gets     hit by a car?  But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.  A heart never broken is pristine and   sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
  9. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to    have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before   their hair could turn silver.

10.    As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.  I don't    question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong.  

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.  I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could   have been, or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).

 

 MAY OUR   FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE   HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!   

 

 

 

 

 

Neither the Editors nor the Wesham Road Runners Club are necessarily in agreement with the opinions expressed in this Newsletter. Such opinions, suggestions and recommendations are entirely the views of the authors.