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Who is ‘Sex
Kitten’? |
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(The
English National Cross Country Relay Championships, Saturday, 4th
November 2006 |
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Before I go
any further in this report I wish to pay tribute to the members of Wesham Road Runners for the tremendous support you gave this event. We were
permitted to have three men’s and three ladies teams and we were one of the few
clubs, (possibly the only club), in the whole country to have six complete
teams finish the race.
Well done to all who took part and to those
who wanted to go but couldn’t because of the restriction on the number of
teams. Perhaps a letter asking for other clubs allocations next year?
Anyway, I digress.
WARNING!
The report that follows contains scenes and language of an adult
nature. Please do not read if you are easily offended. Please do not follow the
links in this report if you are easily offended.
DISCLAIMER
I cannot take responsibility for the content of this report. I can
only report the “facts” as I observe and hear them!
It was an
early start today for the trip to
I
filled my car up with fuel on my way to the Fairfield Arms in case it would be needed to help transport some of
our twenty-three athletes to Personfield,
(I’d better start using its new name), and took the opportunity to buy my
poppy. Having selected a poppy I looked in the box for the pins. “We
aren’t allowed to give you a pin,” said the man behind the counter.
“Why not?” I
asked.
“Health and
safety,” was his reply.
Is it me, or
has the world gone absolutely barking mad?
Later, we
passed a shop in Personfield that
sells guns. That makes sense, doesn’t it? You can buy a gun but you can’t have
a pin to put your poppy on your jacket!
Last year I
mentioned that what we lacked in number we made up for in enthusiasm. This year
we had both in large quantities. We can add glamour to the list thanks to the nine
ladies who were attending this event. As the day progressed we found that you,
not only added glamour, but a lot of colour to the day with your “interesting” and entertaining line of
chat. Our chairperson remarked that the colour you added was ‘brown’. Was he
suggesting that you all got covered in mud, or that you talked a load of s**t??
Our luxury
coach arrived already partly laden with athletes. I headed toward the back but
was told in no uncertain terms where I was to sit. The “enthusiasm” with which Capt’n
Murphy said it meant I wouldn’t argue. It was clear the ladies were in
charge!
Peter Cruse complained all the way there that
his right foot was on top of the wheel arch and how could he possible run well
now? I must add that he didn’t complain about being surrounded by women, or was
it that he was penned in by women??
Our coach
driver mistook Alan Glasgow as a “Young John Whiteman”! Oh how we
laughed at that suggestion on two levels: Firstly that Alan was mistaken for John
Whiteman but much more so at the suggestion that John Whiteman was young!! Thankfully
Alan didn’t run like John!
With Michael Schumacher at the wheel we made
excellent progress along the motorway, picking up our remaining athletes on the
way.
There
was a cacophony, (loads and loads), of noise on the coach as we all enthused
about the day ahead. I advised the assembled that I had brought along the club
toilet roll, only to be 
upstaged by Capt’n Murphy who told me her toilet roll is blue. We agreed that we would probably be the only club with a toilet
roll in our club colour. We thought that the Fylde’s newest club would struggle to get orange, black and white
toilet paper, well not before use anyway! (Sorry, too much information!)
Some needed a
toilet stop so a visit to Harsthead Moor
services was agreed. Not before Kath
had told us we could avoid this if we bought a She-Pee. The mind boggles as
to what she was looking for on t’internet to find that! Anyway, I’ve asked Brenda to put a link from this report
to their website, and you can make your own minds up. Gentlemen, I’d be VERY careful before buying this for
your loved one for Christmas!
Anyway, we
didn’t have a ‘she-pee’ so we had to stop for a pee and a coffee. The 
out
the back, saying that’s all we’d need to be seeing. Fair enough when you’ve got
Anthony Ford and Tom Cunningham in your team.
Later, the
commentator described Blackpool, Wyre
and Fylde AC as “A team I don’t recognise” and “
(And Peter Cruse reckoned I wouldn’t say
anything about the race!)
Back onboard
the luxury coach, part funded by the club, and off we set to Personfield.
Capt’n Russell made the remark that it had suddenly
gone very dark and Julie Cruse
gently pointed out that, “You’ve got your sunglasses on!!” (I’ve
taken the swear words out.)
Hayley fell asleep at the back of the coach.
It appears she had been working until 5:30 this morning. BIG REPECT HAYLEY. Working till 5:30 and then boarding a coach
before 9am to race for the club. That
scores a lot of points for the ‘mud
sweat and spikes award’.
Alex, meanwhile, also went to sleep. I think that was
to avoid the talk at the back about the party the girls had been to at Ann
Summers’ house. I’ve not met Ann
but she sounds like a lot of fun. I think she must be one of our younger
members because the girls talked about her having lots of toys and small knickers.
They talked enthusiastically about Ann’s
pet rabbit called Rampant. Ann has her own web site and
a film about her rabbit. On closer inspection it seems this rabbit is a virtual
pet that runs on batteries!
The ladies
decided that the job of putting up the tent would be for the men as we are
better at erecting than they are. But, they would time us to see how good we
are. Well, there was a problem! After a number of poles had gone in the wrong
holes, we had it half up when an official told us it would have to come down
and be moved. I objected and said I wished we’d been told before we got
ourselves half erect. I basically said we wouldn’t move it. Capt’n Barlow stepped in too with a bit
of antidisestablishmentarianism, (WOW,
spelled it right first time!), to calm the waters and negotiated a “better”
place to finish putting it up. (Capt’n
Young told me to get that big, long, fancy word into this report, in
context. Best I could do Capt’n).
18 minutes 22 seconds to get it upright and stable.
“Well
done boys,” said Capt’n Russell
gratefully. After 18 mins 25 seconds, the rest of the squad turned up to help! Thanks lads!!
The ladies
went off at 1:35 and all ran well. I am so proud of my club as I write this. SIX COMPLETE TEAMS! It is worth saying
over and over again. This is a National
Competition and we were there with a full complement of athletes. BRILLIANT! At the time of writing I’m
still waiting for the results to appear at http://www.race-results.net to see how many clubs did have six complete
teams in the senior events.
Nervous
moments as we awaited the arrival of our club Race Director who had got stuck in traffic. No reply on his mobile
and at home I didn’t get the wonderful Sally,
just a message telling me the Wesham 10K
is full!
So we called
on our travelling reserve, Mark Midgley,
to get himself ready. He had just finished getting changed when Andy arrived round the corner! Points
for Mark though for travelling in
case he was needed. However, can we deduct those points please Capt’n Young because Mark was later seen lurking in the
trees with a camera with a long lens!
Shortly after
2pm the ladies were all finished and soon it would be our turn, at 2:15. Off
they went and, those of us on the later legs, got chance to see our team mates
on the course before it would be our own turn.
Some very
fast lads at the front won it. (There you are Peter Cruse, I’ve mentioned the race again!)
I wouldn’t
say there was a rush to get the tent down and back in the bag, but we did it
with Graham still in there! Thanks
to Chairperson Waywell for acting as
a makeshift tent pole so that Graham
could finish getting changed without the ladies seeing his tattoo again!
On the way
back the ladies really looked after us. There was so much food coming from the
back of the coach that they probably wouldn’t need any hot pot at Martin’s birthday party.
Bluetooth phones
can be great
fun and you can give your phone its own name. Julie Cruse wanted to send a load of filth from her phone via Bluetooth so started to connect with
all the phones on the coach. “Who is sex kitten?” asked Julie. Five times she asked the same
question, getting progressively louder each time until eventually someone owned
up. No. I’m not saying, but it wasn’t
Dave
Waywell or me!
This was a
fabulous day out. Great company, a great event and great running from all
concerned. Thank you to you all for your support for this great club of ours.
Thanks to Capt’n Young for getting
us men into some sort of shape and even more thanks to Capt’n s Russell and Murphy
for generating so much enthusiasm in the ladies.
Roll on Burnley next week and don’t forget your
entries for the Lancashire Championships
at
Written by: Brian Porter
Submitted: 5th November 2006
Edited by: Brenda J Earnshaw WRR Editor