A Week in the Life of Captain Jack Sparrow

Me hearties – this be my Weekly Diary

Sunday 22nd July 1595

Dear Diary, woke up early for a Sunday, must be my Treasure of the Lost Abyssl pirates body clock kicking in, really annoying on one of the only two days a week I get off! Me, Elizabeth, William Turner sail down to Morrison’s treasure island for a traditional breakfast; 2 sausage, 2 bacon, 2 egg, Baked Beans, and a couple of slices of toast, all washed down with a glass of rum?! Sorry I mean I had an energy bar to go with my high protein and Carbohydrate fruit and fiber breakfast. My body is a temple as always! Savvy?

There was a slight problem with autograph hunters, during my energy bar, it takes it out of you but hey, it’s all about promoting being a good pirate! It does make you feel good about it when you see the smile on someone’s face just for scribbling an autograph. What does annoy me though is when you find that same scrap of paper or Wesham vest top on pirate’s EBay going for a few thousand pounds; it’s just not right. I did have a bit of a tet r tet with this man; so evil that Hell itself spat him back out. I think his name was Captain Barbossa. He got a bit close to the Black Pearl, limited edition. He will always remember this as the day he almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

After spending three days lying on the beach drinking rum?! "Welcome to the Caribbean”. I had a sponsor’s dinner with my newest sponsor, Wilkinson’s Blades for all your sword needs; it truly is a wonderful blade. I practice with them, three hours a day!

"You need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps you already have found yourself a bonnie lass, and just aren't able to do anything about it. You aren't a eunuch, are ya?" These events are ok, the first one I did was when I was in Singapore and I met Commodore Norrington. A nice fella though a little bit worn around the edges. “That's got to be the best Pirate I've ever seen." I thought to my self. What did I see when I went into the captains toilet? The Captain's Log! “That's interesting.” I thought, “Savvy”Monday 23rd July 1596

Dear Diary, I have agreed to go into the reality TV show, Pirates Workers Diary – Living the Dream. Basically I had to board the Wesham Pearl and experience all the thrills a pirate’s life can have. This is my second week of it; I don’t know how much long I can last. As I said, my pirates Workers body clock was kicking in over the weekend! I walked aboard the Wesham Pearl this morning bringing the caskets of rum I was told was the Pirates’ Workers tradition. If you go on holiday, it’s your birthday or something good happens you, you have to bring caskets of rum in. Don’t think everyone was impressed when I brought fruit and energy bars, body’s still a temple! Savvy!

It was quite a fun day, talking about the weekend and what you got up to. Everyone seemed surprised when I said I’d nipped across to the South of France on Saturday night for a night out. Not sure why! I did say my big friend’s, Tiger Woods and Roger Federer said to say hello! A few talked about impertinent Kurt, the ticket collector on the Train getting to work in the morning, they said normally they hardly even have to show tickets because they know them so well from years of getting on the train sitting on the same seat at the same time every week. Apparently Kurt is American and not very nice.

After making 15 brew rounds in the day I spent 6 hours photocopying and the rest of the time looking out the window at the cigarette shelter watching the same people go outside in the rain wind or shine for their ten minute break. You almost sit there wanting to take up smoking so you can have that extra ten minute break every hour; the best I can manage is a “constitutional” thrice daily, depending on what I’d eaten for dinner the previous night! Sometimes it’s fun to play solitaire whilst on my “constitutional” or even if I had my old phone with me, virtual tennis, god I’m good at that nowadays! OOOPPS must get back to the real world July 1586.

Tuesday 24th July 1586

Another tough day out at sea, I don’t know how the fish do it, I really don’t. I’m truly shattered from all this ‘up sails’, ‘down sails’, ‘hands on deck’! I cancelled my appearance at the opening of my wax work model at Madame Tussaud’s because I was fatigued, to have something to fall back on. Anyway, I digress, this friend offered me his girlfriend for a week. Apparently she can get me a cheap holiday but she has to come along. I said, “No problem so long as she brings 7 fit friends with her”. Surprisingly my mate was ok with this. Good job he’s just bought a house with her!

I am on my way to Russia in a Fiat Punto that was parked outside the local Starbucks this morning but I've been in L.A. for three months now. I have money, I have taste, but I'm not on anybody's "A" list, and Saturday night is the loneliest night for the week for me. But why we are on this particular mission, we'll never know. What I do know, here today, that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again.

Then there was the time one weekend we all seemed to have lost our composure and planned to go streaking together, past the quad and up to the gymnasium. Maybe have some lunch at the Olive Garden, which was lovely. Maybe even go to Home Depot for some wallpaper, flooring, I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time. Good times from when we went Old School!

Wednesday 25th July

On my way to Russia with a man from Jiminy Billybob's flying circus and his faithful talking Purple Panther that is regarded by some as the 19th wonder of the world behind the Holy Grail and a weekend at Dave's but, never the less, has led a charmed life with some amusing anecdotes that may well keep for another time or while we cross the Andes on a Dutch Mountain Goat that escaped from a maximum security blockade and is today a ‘soldier of fortune’ in the Los Angeles underground and yet has questionable hygiene and dress sense.

Thursday 26th July

Phoned in sick. You can only be off for one day by Pirate Workers rules. The Union’s worker strings me up by the whodyanickabollockoff’s!! Went to the Leaping Fish in disguised as a 18th century Roman foot soldier hoping to be undetected, it did not work. Dave from number 54 saw me, I just said I was going to a Pepsi Max advert shoot with Beckham Raul and Zidane - hope he believed me. I was a little drunk at this point; I had been drinking all day

Friday 27th July

I am on my way to Russia in a Alaskan shrimping boat that was once owned by a 34 year old cheerleader from a small Malaysian Ostrich racing family called Bubba who was once banned from Glorious Goodwood for running onto the 18th in the 2005 Ryder Cup dressed as a camp Robin Hood with pink tights, mainly due to the fact he mixed his whites and his colours during the fast spin cycle on his washing machine while he swam the channel in a Kermit the Frog swimsuit.

Saturday 28th July

Guess what? I am on my way to Russia on a Ford Mustang made entirely from Battenberg that was created by the Dark Lord of Marzipan during the disastrous Lyon’s factory fire of the early 1690’s remembered for the florescent red glow and ghastly screams of the burning Jelly Babies, who had no beef with the perpetrator, a certain Carlton Von Hesserhine, who had consumer too many bottles of Kronenbourg Export at the Coventry amateur dramatics society award ceremony whilst adopting a fake and rather embarrassing Iranian accent.

Sunday 29 July

Right I shall leave you on my way to Russia in a hot air balloon that is carrying 16 bottles of Chardonnay to the Burger King owned by the Hamburglar in downtown Monaco where the Duke of Davidshire is holding a themed Halloween party for his 9 year old Pit-bull Terrier at 00.00 Greenwich Mean Time with the Energizer bunny who is for legal reasons disguised as the Easter Bunny with an interchangeable Batman Belt designed to bring peace to the free world.

Whilst on my way to Russia, this is the afternoon, (now keep up), on a nuclear contaminated Oxford English Thesaurus that was used during the making of the Chilean version of The Brady Bunch where indigenous rainforest goats live a precarious life dodging the Centipede Cartel and the Parrot Mafia who took control of the M25 for an hour during the great pancake slide of the early 1990’s. This was a terrifying experience for the Tweenies who were stuck on there way to open a 24 hour ASDA just east of Nagpur.

That’s all for now me hearties

Captain Jack Sparrow